Well. After some years, I'd like to write a bit again. No clue why I'm writing in english, though. Who cares?
Anyway, it's more for myself that I wanna write, then for other folks to read my shit.
So. Where to begin?
Yesterday, I watched "Pride and Prejudice". I bet, if you didn't read the book, you won't like it. But I am just reading it, and it is spoiling (haha) but I didn't really care, cozz Jane Austen writes that good, it doesn't matter.
This morning was alright. I had a 5,7 in maths (in switzerland, 6 is the best mark you can have). And I am absolutely bad in maths, so oh wonder!
I was sorta speechless.. I feel, I have to write my story. It is important to me, because if I let it out of my mind, maybe I will be able to forget it.
Also, I want others to know: You are not alone.
It's now almost two years ago, since it stopped.
I was nine years old, when it all began. Bullying. In german "Mobbing".
I am now almost sixteen, and I have some troubles with myself..
It is hard to say, what my class"mates" did to me. You know, I was never fat , didn't wear glasses, had no brace. I was not a geek or so. I was a little girl, like every other one. Only difference maybe: First of all, my first language is french. Second difference: We aren't poor. Really, we've got a house, two wonderful dogs, five cats, a pool..Everything to be happy.
Of course, I've got a dad which is quite addict to "Everquest", a mother that loves fashion, a sister that loves the hippie time, and a grandmother which gambles. My other grandmother has a strong character, and insulted me in any possible way, though I think she sorta loves me. *sighs.
I think it began with names-calling. I was the last picked in sports, though I was very sportive. It began with little things like that. (I had quite a big problem with that, couldn't handle it, you see. And I remember something strange about me, I now know, I had Trichotillomania, though I was like ten years old!)
Then it got over to take my things, throwing them around, and such things. I had no chance to get outa this mess. My teacher (a real arse) did like he didn't realize anything, and as if I only imagine anything.
I got this for three years.
When I got into secondary B (Highest is Gymnasium, then Secondary A, Sec. B, Sec. C etc.) I was pretty disappointed. I knew I was intelligent enough to get into the Gymnasium, but this teacher did everything not to let me.
I hoped and wished, the bullying to stop in the Secondary School, but wrong hope. I got into almost the same class. This was one of the most horrible years in my whole life.
You know the thing "Smile now, cry later"? Well, it was pretty much like this. Except "Be indifferent now, cry later in your room, while your parents yell at you, cause you let your anger out on them".
My parents didn't know about anything. Though they told me later, they worried about me. (I didn't believe they love me at this time.)
Anyway, they thought about any possible thing that could have happened to me. But never they would have thought about bullying.
The following year, I changed into Secondary A, lost a year, but that was okay. The teacher of the Secondary B were like "What the hell are you doing in sec. B? You are obviously too good for it."
This was a time, I had taken weight. I had eating disorders..I stopped to eat, and I can remember, some weeks, I only ate a little bit on three days a week. An apple maybe.
I frequented "pro-ana" pages. ( More about here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pro_ana )
I lost a lot of weight with this, and my mom realized it. She didn't know, that I didn't eat, but she saw, that I wanted to lose weight. So I started with "Weight Watchers", which helped me really a lot.
I think that was the time, when I couldn't control what I eat anymore, when I started cutting myself. (More here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self_injury)
I felt a feeling of emptiness, I isolated myself, but more about that later.
I was now in another class. It was better then before, and slowly I got integrated again.
In the end of the year, a girl of the U.S. in my class, began to be mean to me, and I was scared, the bullying could start again. The girl left our class last year.
This year, I got into a Musical group. I met a lot of new people there, not of my school, from the gymnasium.
They had more niveau, and I was very pleased to make a bunch of new friends. Actually about 40 new friends at one! Wow, I can tell you that gives you a kick, and it's still warmhearting, to think about this.
I gained courrage, I went to the "school psychiatrist". I dunno if that helped me, but this guy, he scared me a bit, telling me that he doesn't know how emptiness feels like. I didn't tell him about my self injury problems.. which I still have.
Damn it! That's my story, and I could write a book about it, because you know, something like that, that gets you down, and now I laugh at emos and all that, cozz I know, what I got through, and people, I'm only sixteen! I can't believe all that.. and I can't believe how lucky I am to be now in the end of my second year in the Secondary A, which I will leave next year to get into the Gymnasium!
I am not.. I don't know, maybe this sounds .. well fuck off, I am not "healed" by now, because I look at what I had, and I don't fucking care about those freaking psychiatrists, I was mentally ill, and I still can see the scars on my arms, and in my sudden emtiness I sometimes feel. I live in my world, I hang on my computer all the time, playing MMORPG like hell, to escape.. Whatever, I'll fight to the end, and it's good to write about all this shit that happened to me. Really, you can't understand, I am in tears, just from thinking about it.
So it is, and well, now that this is off my heart, I think I can write about myself- I mean my real self, the one that was hidden all those years, scared to be let out.
This in my next entry. Thanks for reading. Thanks for let me write.